The Denver Post

December 14 2003

Denver-based magazine stands up for right to be falling-down drunk
Critics can't halt expansion of Modern Drunkard's affair with alcohol

by Trent Seibert

With features like "365 Excuses to Get Soused," and "Juicing on the Job," the Denver-based Modern Drunkard magazine ain't exactly Esquire.

What is it then?

Well, it is devoted to all things alcoholic. And if you are a defender of political correctness, brace yourself with a shot of hard-core hootch before cracking the cover.

It is part advice column. (The "Concerned Cad" will answer any booze-related problems you might have.)

It is part political. ("Every year, the rights of the drinker are eroded," says editor Frank Rich, who has declared war on Mothers Against Drunk Driving.)

It is part comedy. (One issue featured health hints for drinkers. For example, staggering while drunk burns more calories than walking a straight line. Therefore: "When Joe Six Pack goes from his bar stool to the bathroom, he burns more calories then when Joe AA goes from the coffee area to the bathroom to cry.")

What else is it?

Successful. The magazine, which started as a few photocopied pages in 1996, has grown to where nearly 30,000 copies are printed every other month. That will soon jump dramatically, with the magazine expanding to Chicago, New York, Milwaukee and San Francisco.

And watch for "Modern Drunkard: The Movie" coming to a theater near you.

Not everyone is thrilled with a magazine that promotes boozing with abandon.

MADD supporters are not pleased, and some bars refuse to allow the magazine to be displayed in their establishments.

But do not expect the Modern Drunkard's drunkards to run out of non-teetotaling topics anytime soon.

"It is a deep well," Rich said. "Drinking permeates almost every part of our culture. I could do this for the next 50 years with no problem."

It was also a magazine that almost never was.

Rich, a former action-adventure novelist whose book contract was running out, wanted to start a magazine.

He was into philosophy at the time, and the magazine was going to be the "Modern Nihilist." Then it hit him: Who's going to read that?

"This isn't going to fly," Rich recalls thinking. "I should write something I really know about."

Rich does indeed know drinking. So do the others who form the core of the magazine, including stand- up comic Troy Baxley and local punk rocker Luke Schmaltz.

They take drinking so seriously, as a matter of fact, in a recent issue they lambasted the captain of the U.S. beer-drinking team for his comment that he had never been drunk in his life.

"He's making us look like pansies to the rest of the world," Baxley said.

And the group flits through bars throughout Denver for the choicest comments on drinking for a column called "Wino Wisdom."

Some gems from a recent issue:

"Keep in mind that, after I do this shot, I may not be the same man you've come to love and trust so completely. In fact, you may consider chaining me to a sturdy radiator, if one is handy."

Jack T., 28, giving fair warning prior to sinking a double shot of well tequila.

and

"Every shot of whiskey I drink is like poison in bin Laden's eyes. And before I go home tonight, we're both going to be blind as bats."

Johnny K. at Lincoln's Roadhouse, sticking it to the international terrorist network, one shot of Beam at a time.

They do take the rights of drinkers seriously, too.

The magazine takes issue with MADD. It was an organization with the good intention to get drunks off the road, but now it appears to be opposed to all drinking, Rich said.

From a recent editorial:

You may have noticed that drinkers are the last freely oppressed legal group of citizenry. Even while we're locked in a life-or- death struggle with terrorism and are forced to endure creepy commercials featuring Tom Ridge's gigantic head telling us to brace ourselves for attacks upon our very dwellings, you most likely won't come across any random roadblocks set up to catch terrorists.

Christy Pitts, executive director of MADD Colorado, said the magazine is picking on the wrong group.

"MADD is not against responsible adult drinking," she said. "Our mission is to stop drunk driving, support victims of the crime, and to prevent underage drinking."

After reading some of the articles, Pitts inquired: "Are you sure it's not a joke?"

To Rich and his team, the magazine is not just a lark. It is making serious money, Rich said, because advertisers - mostly bars - know they can get right to their target audience.

"It's almost like direct marketing," Schmaltz said. "Advertisers are pretty loyal. They stick with us."

Readers are sticking with them, too. Of the nearly 30,000 copies, about 10 percent are paid subscriptions.

Another reason for its success may be that the Modern Drunkard may have a more forgiving audience than most publications.

"Mistakes are made in every issue, but our readers accept that, because they know we're drunks," Rich said.ss